In Honor of My Husband, Ron

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Where the wind takes me...

My last day of work was September 25th. It was the hardest decision to make, but I knew I had to do it. I am still so mired in grief that it is very hard to be home. My home will always be here because that is where all of my memories of Ron are, but I can't stay here too long because this is where all of my memories are. Does that make sense? It was so hard to leave my job--my co-workers and especially all of the kids that I love like my own. The school has been so good to me while Ron was ill, and they surprised me again with more gifts on my last day. There were a lot of tears on the way home. I have spent the last few weeks cleaning the house. I don't know the last time it has looked this good. There were a few breakdowns along the way, like deciding to throw away Ron's favorite magazines, and when I uncovered papers from when Ron was first diagnosed and I was doing a lot of internet searching to learn all I could. Some things I just could not touch yet, like his clothes. While cleaning I moved the couch and found his favorite motorcycle hat. I grabbed it up to my face and just breathed in. Who knew that I would crave his sweaty head smell, but I do, and it still smells just like him. He must have lost it while napping on the couch. I was so glad to find it.

I am leaving on Monday for Missouri. It feels like I am moving out forever, I have so much to take with me. I plan to be there for the whole winter. Where my sister lives, they rarely get much snow. If they do get snow, it is usually gone the next day. I think I'm ready for a winter away from Wisconsin, and I'm sure the dogs will be happy to be there too. There will be a few milestones while I am there, like our 25th anniversary, and Ron's birthday, not to mention the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Day without him. They will be hard days, for sure. I hope not being here will help at least a little bit. I will be thinking of his family on those days, too. It will be very hard for them. Ron was always the life of the party.

I recently joined the 21st century and bought an I-Pod, so I have been busy loading songs on it so I can take it on the road with me and just hit shuffle. One of my favorite songs has always been Photograph by Ringo Starr, but now it holds an entirely new meaning for me. I always called it a Woodstock Pool song, because that it where it takes me whenever I hear it. I will end this entry with the lyrics, which are much more poignant now.

Photograph by R.Starkey and G. Harrison

Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
Now all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore

I thought I'd make it
The day you went away
But I can't take it
Till you come home again to stay

I can't get used to living here
While my heart is broke, my tears I cry for you
I want you here to have and hold
As the years go by, and we grow old and gray

Now you're expecting me to live without you
But that's not something that I'm looking forward to

I can't get used to living here
While my heart is broke, my tears I cry for you
I want you here to have and hold
As the years go by, and we grow old and gray

Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
Now all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore.

1 comment:

Patrick said...

Love you Lori! Hope you're doing well right at this very moment. I'm sure it can still be a day-to-day thing.

Just thought I'd let you know I was thinkin' about ya. :)

- Pat