Chemo is now kicking my butt. I have only had three treatments so far, but the Oxaliplatin has really affected me. My neuropathy is worse now. I got very scared after I got home from chemo. I have been very cavalier about my throat symptoms. I chose to just ignore the “broken glass” feeling when I drank something cold. I can’t ignore it any more. When I got home, I took a big drink of a cold soda, and I could feel my throat start to close. Luckily I have a rescue inhaler, and after three puffs, my airway opened again. I was alone and it scared me so much I almost called 911.
I don’t know what I would do if it happened again, but I am afraid to tell my Oncologist that it happened. I don’t want to give them any reason to decrease or, even worse, stop the Oxaliplatin. What if that is the one chemo agent that will save my life? On the other hand, I should tell them so I can have an Epi-pen in case it does happen again.
Obviously, I am no longer drinking cold liquids. Everything is room temperature. I am not even eating any food that is cold. I got a stern talking-to by the nurse because I am only eating one meal a day. I am supposed to be taking in more protein, which I know, but it is very hard to eat when you are nauseated all the time. I take my Compazine faithfully, but I still feel sick all day. It is very hard to find the motivation to fix a meal when you feel sick to your stomach all the time.
I am also out of the habit of cooking since I am alone now. If I cook anything at all, it is one pork chop, a piece of salmon, or a chicken breast. No vegetables, no fruits, no carbs. I have lost 30 pounds since March, right before my diagnosis. For those of you who know me, you know that I had plenty of “cushion” to lose, so I am not really worried about the weight loss. I could lose a lot more and not be too thin. I just know that I should be eating better. I bought a lot of high protein energy bars, but I haven’t even tried one yet. I buy things that look good, and they rot in the refrigerator.
I just read over what I have written so far, and I realized how much I complain about myself. I think of Ron, and all that he went through, and how he always had a smile on his face. I don’t know how he did it. He went through much more than I am experiencing, but I don’t have his attitude. I sure wish I did. I know that attitude has a lot to do with how you get through treatment and survive. I do believe I will survive this cancer. I have to, for our kids. I can’t let them lose their other parent. I sometimes question why, but I don’t think there is an answer. I don’t believe that God sent this cancer to me, because my God does not punish people that way.
I am scheduled to have a CT scan this morning, because we recently found out that I am still losing blood. Since my surgery was almost three months ago, the Oncologist doesn’t think that it could still be surgical blood, so I may have a slow leak somewhere. I sure hope the CT picks it up, or I may have to have another colonoscopy. I am already so tired of invasive procedures. I dread my two days with the chemo attached to me every two weeks. I still try to go about my life, but I feel so tethered. Someone on a colon cancer message board described it as “Satan in a bag” and that is exactly what it is. I guess it is called 5-FU for a reason. More later.